Dating · life

Unsolicited AF

What I love about this blogging thing is that it helps bring clarity to my crazy ass thoughts. What I find odd is that I can somehow press publish and I don’t give a rats ass who in the free world reads the inner most workings of my mind and it musings. I hope y’all packed a lunch… this may not be rated T for teens.

I’ve been rocking along pretty unscathed from this online dating experience until recently. Have had some decent conversations that have gone nowhere. Have been on some good and bad dates. Have chalked all of it up to life experience. When I started all of this I knew I wasn’t ready for a relationship of any kind anyway so maybe I began this whole deal under false pretenses. However, I have been completely honest but less than open and very guarded for sure. I’m not completely sure that I am ready for one now, but I know I am open to the possibility and I know my worth and some of this nonsense is selling myself way short.

Let me explain and I’m gonna try not to go on a ranting tirade, which is what this blog would have been had I wrote it last night cuz I was fed smooth up. I was forewarned before I started about lewd behavior from the male species. But honestly, it hadn’t happened. About a 6 weeks in, a guy on Tinder sent me a message that said “send nudes” and called me a prude and all kinds of idiotic garbage cuz I denied his request. Unmatch became my friend.

POF has taken the cake with unwarranted messages from let’s just call them undesirables. I mean let’s face it peeps, we all have people we are attracted to and not. Types and such. On Bumble or Tinder there is the swipe function where you match someone mutually, on POF that is not the case. Anyone can send you a message and some get quite pissed off when you don’t respond. But if you are 20 years older than me, 400lbs, drink daily, use drugs, have nothing on your bio, and your opening line is “you’re smoking hot” I ain’t got time for that shit. I delete and move on. That’s all good and fine… just the nature of the beast I guess. However…

Not my problem as of late… here’s my issue: so yeah we start talking because I have found you attractive and your bio seems not to be that of a serial killer or a dead beat. And yeah I get it, I didn’t hit every branch of the ugly tree on the way to the ground. But please for the love of all that is holy and just DONT:

1. Ask me if I want to be FWB… we aren’t friends!!! We aren’t even acquainted. In fact, I don’t even fucking know who you are. So the answer is not No but Hell No!!!

2. Start calling me baby, honey and sweetie all the while telling me what you think you can do for me. I don’t need you to do a damn thing for me, in the least. Not even close to why I am on these stupid things in the first place.

3. Start telling me how desperate you are and that you wake up with an erection followed by an unsolicited Dick pic… yes this happened

4. Tell me how I desperately need a younger hung man in my life to break me in half followed by yet another unsolicited Dick pic

5. Begin the conversation with how smoking hot I am, can’t get on any other topic of conversation and this particular one I speak of was a fireman. His next angle was to bring up how my red hair was on fire and he needed to bring his “hose to help” me. Although altruistic, conversation is tired and old🙄

6. Tell me about your sex drive or for you to know about mine 5 seconds into a conversation. I haven’t even met you in person. I don’t even know if your breath stinks much less if you really look like your pictures. So there is no need in this discussion.

7. Assume that I am on any dating site because I am desperate for sex, love, attention, compliments, or someone to complete me.<<<<
.. that all being said. I'm not going to the extreme to say all men are pigs. But I think the electronics of it is what throws the whole equation off. It makes the whole scenario impersonal. I also have no idea how other women behave on these things either, I can only speak for myself. Maybe this is what these men are used to. Maybe this lewd conduct gets them dates or sexual encounters. I don't really know. But I have lost all faith in the whole process at this point.

I know I can't be the only one in the world who has been through this or that thinks it is absolutely absurd. I know I'm not that much of a prude to think that we could just have a damn conversation and then meeting for fucking coffee. Was that too much of an expectation to have? Maybe so.

I do know this, I won't settle for less than my worth. And it is my job to know that not theirs. It is also my job to ask for the respect that I should be given as a person and if it's not happening then there are safeguards on these things like unmatching, blocking and reporting. But whatever the case may be, what I truly know now is that at the end of the day, God is still in charge of my future. If He sees fit I am to remain complete by myself, then so be it. It is still a pretty good place to be. If not then when that time comes… I don't think a dick pic will be my sign that He is the one.

Advertisements
life · Spirituality

Gifts

This last week was a bit of a whirlwind of events, but what is life if not exactly that! A string of events that come together to a paint on the canvas of your heart… if you let it. If you can only stay open to the process. Man, I have desperately been trying to stay open. Trying to say “why the hell not” instead of just stay inside of my safe little bubble.

I have suffered loss this week, come to accept the reality of a relationship, realized how much one of my blogs touched someone, spent some quality time with a friend on their way to treatment, rejoiced as my friend’s son was released from the hospital, set some life goals, listened to a 5th step, went on two dates… one good, one less than desirable, but most of all, became in tune and empowered by some gifts that I kinda knew I have had, but I haven’t always been aware of. What’s crazy is that all these situations have helped me become more aware of and open to the idea that I’m not maybe using them at my full potential.

Gifts you say? Yeah I have been skeptic too!!! I kinda am by nature. But there has been constant evidence in my life that has become increasingly pointed out to me recently. I’m not going to continue to deny it. I’ve always known I read people well. I’ve heard beyond what was said, felt beyond what was seen, known when I was truly safe in a dangerous situation, could tell when I was being lied to, known when to reach out to someone even though we haven’t spoke in a long time. My gut feelings are never wrong and I’m drained by negativity. I can’t count how many times people have asked me, “how did you know to call me?”, “Send me that?”, “Are you psychic?”…. my answer is always I’m just intuitive and I try to listen to that inner voice I have.

See, I have learned over time that when someone has come in to my thoughts, I need to reach out. When I am reading something and someone’s name is on my mind while reading it, they need it too. When someone says, “I’m ok”, I feel it in my soul that they’re not. Even though they are putting on the best show that they know how. I know when the story isn’t adding up or it’s being edited. I know when someone can be trusted or not… it’s just an internal barometer I have. I could go on but you get it, right?

For the longest time I didn’t know what all this was. I just knew it was me. How I operated. That I could read people and the environment that I am in. I didn’t know there was a name for it. Truly, I don’t believe I am an empath… I just have some traits. I don’t feel others physical pain or absorb their energy although I feel it and interpret it. I haven’t really grasped or learned all I can about it but I have began to try to use it more that I am aware that it is a part of me.

We all have gifts. Some are born to exude love all the time. Some people give the best hugs ever. Some people can just walk in the room and you know simply by their presence that there will be no conflict and everything will be ok. Some people are incredible motivators and always bring out the best in everyone that they are around. Some people can dumb down the most difficult concepts to help everyone learn. Well, whatever your gift is, don’t ignore it, downplay it or excuse it as just something that is insignificant or unnecessary to the world. It was given specifically to you for a reason. Hone your craft and use it to the best of you ability for the good.

That’s what I’m trying to do now, figure out how it is I can use it to help others because that is why I do believe it was given to me. I’m at least willing to see what happens and where it can take me.

Be blessed😊

Dating · life

First Kiss

Do you ever wanna go back to the day you met? To that first hello hug, the one where you were guarded and unsure that this is what you wanted to be doing? To that first flirty awkward conversation, where everything was still a possibility? The talks of the books you’ve both read, the ones each of you should read. The movies you have watched and enjoyed. Light conversation about this and that just to figure out the ‘if factor’.

Trying to figure out if his eyes were blue or grey or maybe a combination of the two. Knowing you wanted to know more but absolutely not going to ask. Keeping your hands to yourself but sitting close and in constant awareness of his body heat. Watching his lips move while he talks about whatever it was that he was talking about…. wondering what it would be like to feel them pressed against yours.

The goodbye hug. Much more comfortable, much more of an embrace than a hug. Knowing you were holding your breath until you told yourself to exhale.

The flirty texting after he left. The unexpected knock at the door. That first kiss… back arching, hair grabbing, glasses colliding, full embrace….

Don’t you ever just wanna go back

life · recovery · sobriety

Must Be Present To Win

The last thing I ever wanted to be before sobriety was be present. Never did I want to be where I was at, in my skin, doing what I was doing, feeling what I was feeling or with who I was with. I wanted the endless checkout to life button pushed on the constant. Just couldn’t do life. Sometimes today I feel a bit that way but I do it anyway. Maybe it’s because I want to know the result and God wants me to enjoy the journey. Truth be told, the journey involves a lot of emotions or feels that I really I don’t like dealing with. What’s funny about saying that is I’m real big about talking about being present in the moment. Cuz I try really hard to do so!!! The key word is try.

There are tons of ways to check out these days for me that don’t involve drugs or booze. Truthfully all I need is the space between my ears to take me on some mental mind trip and I’m gone for God knows how long. I can miss so much with just the vast amounts of crazy that can go on in my own head. Don’t do that, what if this, if this then, why can’t this, isn’t this supposed to, if you just, if they just, will you ever, can’t you be, will you be….

I can miss moments. Many of them. And what is real life but a series of stacked up moments. When you tell a story about a time you laughed or loved or cried, it’s about a moment. When I co-sign with my brain to go on a trip and skip out on the present, I am essentially saying I want to miss out on the wonder that could be in the real world. The good shit. The real shit.

I can and have tried to block myself from having wonderful life experiences out of fear. Fear of being hurt, rejected, alone, or maybe just because I am comfortable even too comfortable in solitude. So I will brick the wall, draw up the bridge, and remain completely inaccessible. Now how is that possibly being in the moment? It’s not vulnerable or courageous. It’s just simply living, breathing fear. There is no presence of being where my feet are at in the moment when I am cloaked in a deep shell of fear. I simply will miss out every time on the beauty of what could be my life because I think I can protect myself from pain. When truth is I am on a 100% success rate of getting over and through the pain I have been dealt thus far.

Death always brings things into perspective or at least it does for me. My dear friend Randal lost his fight with breathing. Man did he fight. I’m so grateful that I was present for the moments that we shared, I will treasure them! Just Breathe

What’s really important? Who is really important? What am I missing? What am I not doing? What goal have I not addressed? Who have I not talked to? But for me today, am I talking advantage of every opportunity to live present in the moment? Or am I editing myself out of fear and not being vulnerable? Or am I blocking myself from the present with my own bullshit in my head?

Don’t wait til Friday or next month to do that thing you wanted to do… it may not get here in time. Don’t live you life based on a TV schedule or live your life out through posts on social media… go get you some real experiences. Don’t wait for someone to fall in love with you to find out if your worth it… figure out you are worth it first. Don’t let the fear of what the fuck ever stop you from doing that thing… just do that thing and see what happens. Don’t waste one second wondering about the plan… nothing ever goes as planned anyway. Don’t let life pass you by and all the moments that you could be laughing, loving, living, breathing because you are too caught up in your own head to see the beauty of the sunset or a friendship or a new love or a new adventure that is staring you right in the face.

I’m not just saying this to you but to me. If I’m not present where my feet are I will miss everything!!! Truthfully, I don’t want to miss anything!!! Not one laugh, one good cry, one wink, one kind act, one first kiss, one last glance…. I want to be present to soak it all up, let it all sink in. So that I can one day close my eyes and replay all these beautiful moments in my memory because I have not just existed but because I have lived.

Dating · life

I Still Believe

Dating…. Ugh!!! Or whatever this has been! Truth is, I have not been ready for a relationship of any kind and I have pretty much known that from the beginning. I wasn’t looking for one….really. I’m not in one today. I’m not sure I know the right terms to use anyway. If it’s talking to, hanging out, dating, FWB or just straight emotionless, meaningless sex. Whatever the terms are I don’t really care at this point. I can tell you this… Henry Ford was right. “Experience is the thing of supreme value.”

I have been in touch with myself this whole time, since I started enjoying or maybe at times tolerating the company of the opposite sex. When you got walls like mine you have to be aware of everything. Maybe you don’t have to be, you just are. I stick close to my intuition, my gut, my God conscience and my relationship coaches… which are fucking hilariously amazing.

It’s really a conundrum when you know you are worth more than your physical appearance and your honey hole but you are not living as much more than that. It’s not like I’m letting others treat me this way, it’s that I’m treating myself this way. So the undervalue is coming really from myself more than from others. But with this continued path of spiritual healing and growth it begins to come not enough. The idea of wanting someone to actually give a shit about you becomes a goal in life again.

When a relationship situation has the potential to go absolutely nowhere, no matter how you feel… it is time to walk away, no matter what. That’s not fear, that’s healthy self preservation. That’s knowing yourself and what is best for you and acting on principle, honestly and not on feelings. I’m not saying not to acknowledge that fact that you have feelings, because I have done that but when it’s not gonna go anywhere…. what’s the fucking point?With all the sincerity I have, I’m trying my best to see me clearly in all this. Not because I have the Great Wall of China built around me but because I don’t want to always. I have been trying diligently to unbrick that bastard but I can’t afford to do that for the wrong person. Can’t I practice prudence with myself?

My favorite new song is I Still Believe In Crazy Love~ Ryan Kinder. It’s the idea in that song that gets me. Because it is my truth. Although I know I’m not quite yet ready. I’m not looking for it. I’m ok without it. I do still believe in it. I believe it exists. I’m not that broke or jaded to think it’s impossible. I just know I’m not quite there. I grew up watching Crazy Love in my parents relationship every single day, from birth to this day… they still have it. So I am a believer.

Yeah, I’ve known heartbreak and I’ve known lonely

I ain’t gonna lie

And I’ve known drinking for the wrong reasons

Ain’t afraid to cry

But I also know my faith and that in us there is strength

So I tell myself there’s no giving up

Long as I got a heart inside, until the day I die

I still believe in crazy love~ Ryan Kinder

So end it, I will. Move on, I must. Believe in Love, I do. Have value in myself, I absolutely do. Restore my faith in the journey even though I hit a foreseeable hiccup, it’s already begun. Turn this selfishness over, I’m gonna have to. Find gratitude in the experience, I can. Remain honest with myself, it’s the only way to be.

At least I can say I have a glimpse of hope in a future where once I thought there was nothing for me but me. Today, I see possibility and I absolutely positively know that I am enough.

divorce · life · recovery

Harmony

Morning Peeps!!! Happy New Years Eve😁. I am so ready to be done with 2017 I can’t stand myself. Lick it, put a stamp on it and mail it off to someone who gives a shit!!! It has been a whirlwind of pain, growth, struggle, learning, illnesses, just a big ball of un-fucking-awesomeness. I’m not just talking about me… I’m talking about those I love and care about.

Two dear girl friends diagnosed with cancer that are my age, one with breast cancer the other with brain cancer. My pseudo-nephew and his brain tumor. Walking this journey with my friend into hospice care. Going through the struggles of pain to liberation really with my own divorce. I could name more but those are the biggies.<

I’ve heard it said that “pain is the touchstone of all spiritual progress”. If it doesn’t make you crumble to your knees in a puddle of “I just can’t deal”…. it will make you dig deep inside yourself to find that one spark of fight you have left to go forward one more day. That don’t quit button. The eternal “never give up or give in no matter what”. I found it. Music guided my way🎶🎵😊. What I learned through songs:

1. Better Man, Little Big Town- I know probably better off on my than loving a man who didn’t know what he had when he had it

2. No Such Thing as a Broken Heart, Old Dominion- What am I gonna tell my kids when they see all of this bullshit that goes down on TV? When the whole world is down on its luck. I gotta make sure they keep their chin up. Cry when it hurts, laugh when it’s funny. Chase after the dream, don’t chase after the money and know we got each other

3. Have It All, Jeremy Kay- Today I feel like laughing. Seems to be no reason at all and if the world stops spinning, I’m not afraid to fall. Maybe it’s too soon to be sure, But I really do believe that someday we’re gonna have it all

4. Where You’re At, Allen Stone- I wear my sins on my collar so everyone sees and there ain’t no bother in spreading rumors about me. I ain’t no angel, but I ain’t so bad. And the best part of learning is just loving where you’re at

5. A Little Bit Stronger, Sara Evans- It doesn’t happen overnight but you turn around and a month’s gone by and you realize you haven’t cried. I’m not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer. I’m busy getting stronger and I’m done hoping that we can work it out. I’m done with how it feels, spinning my wheels. Letting you drag my heart around and, oh, I’m done thinking,You could ever change. I know my heart will never be the same, but I’m telling myself I’ll be okay. Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

6. Whiskey on My Breath, Love and Theft- No I ain’t afraid of dying but what scares me to death. Is meeting Jesus with whiskey on my breath.

7. Still, Hillary Scott- You’re parting waters, making a way for me. You’re moving mountains that I don’t even see. You’ve answered my prayer before I even speak. All You need for me to be is still

8. Stillettos, Kelsea Ballerini- I wear my pain like stilettos. As bad as it may hurt, no, you’ll never know I keep walking with my head up, putting on a show and fronting like nothing is wrong. I talk the talk like I’m a tough girl ‘Cause there ain’t room for weakness in a rough world. That keeps saying you were never enough, girl, Yeah, when you get burned, you learn to be strong. I wear my pain like stilettos.

9. Starving, Hailee Steinfeld- I didn’t know that I was starving till I tasted you. Don’t need no butterflies when you give me the whole damn zoo. By the way, by the way, you do things to my body. I didn’t know that I was starving till I tasted you.

10. Praying, Kesha- I’m proud of who I am. No more monsters, I can breathe again and you said that I was done. Well, you were wrong and now the best is yet to come. ‘Cause I can make it on my own, oh. And I don’t need you, I found a strength I’ve never known. I’ll bring thunder, I’ll bring rain, oh. When I’m finished, they won’t even know your name. You brought the flames and you put me through hell. I had to learn how to fight for myself.

11. Get To You, Michael Ray- One day you’re gonna love again. Mess up and let somebody in to every part of your whole world. You think it’s unthinkable girl but somebody’s gonna break those walls. Somebody’s gonna watch you fall.

12. Fight Like a Girl, Bombshell- I’ll hold my head high, I’ll never let this define the light in my eyes. Love myself, give it Hell. I’ll take on this world. If I stand and be strong. No, I’ll never give up. I will conquer with love and I’ll fight like Like a girl!

13. Still Believe In Crazy Love, Ryan Kinder- Yeah, I’ve known heartbreak and I’ve known lonely. I ain’t gonna lie. And I’ve known drinking for the wrong reasons. Ain’t afraid to cry. But I also know my faith and that in us there is strength. So I tell myself there’s no giving up. Long as I got a heart inside, until the day I die. I still believe in crazy love

14. Beautiful, Eminem- In my shoes, just to see what it’s like to be me. I’ll be you, let’s trade shoes, just to see what it’d be like to feel your pain, you feel mine. Go inside each other’s minds just to see what we find. Look at shit through each other’s eyes, but don’t let ’em say you ain’t beautiful. They can all get fucked, just stay true to you.

15. She Used To Be Mine, Sara Bareilles- Who’ll be reckless, just enough. Who’ll get hurt, but who learns how to toughen up. When she’s bruised and gets used by a man who can’t love and then she’ll get stuck and be scared of the life that’s inside her. Growing stronger each day ’til it finally reminds her to fight just a little, to bring back the fire in her eyes. That’s been gone, but used to be mine.

No doubt music speaks to me. Has carried me through dark days and amazing days. Has taught me I am not done yet. That I still believe in love but I am certainly not ready. I am a woman and I walk tall and strong through these experiences even though they have changed me and my perspective on life, people, the future and what I want out of life. Music has held my hand, comforted me, been my constant companion and seen me through everything I have been through this year. I welcome closing this door to 2017 with a smile, in hopes of a better 2018 for not just me but for those I love. That we walk together looking for the light in what can sometimes be a dark world. Listening for the harmonies of our Spirit, wherever it may come from.

life · recovery · sobriety

Little Rock

I’m a show me girl! Anybody else wired that way? It matters very little what you say to me about who or what you are or what you are about cuz I’m gonna watch your feet. I have always really been that way. If I’m honest, it has gotten worse over the years due to repeated harms and broken trusts. I might possibly be a tad cynical, overprotective of my heart and all it’s workings😬.

Funny thing is, prior to sobriety, I was absolutely unable to be a woman of my word. It honestly wasn’t worth shit. I never could keep it to save my life. Broken promises after broken promises followed by a trail of damage to those I loved and cared about. I was taught early on in the rooms that all I had today was my word. So, I needed to learn to keep it. That takes consistency of action and conviction to follow through with each commitment made. When self blocks you from God and others, living in this way I just stated is impossible. Just an absolute inability to chose anything else but me.

Service treats the spiritual malady. This internal condition that I have with me at all times that tells me that I am different than the world at large. The constant fear, anxiety, measuring up process of my insides with your outsides. The spiritual unrest that requires treatment on a daily basis, Drunk or sober. I’m not really gonna get into all that because it is not really where I’m going with this blog.

In my neck of the woods, if you call your sponsor when you are a bubble off plum and you will likely get a suggestion to “get out of yourself and do something for someone else.” Call someone, find someone less fortunate, clean something, help somebody… Why? Big Book says “When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically.”-Page 64 Simply put, if I’m helping you I’m not thinking about me.

Truth is, you never know what small act of kindness or service has on the person that you provide it to. True service is not about receiving a thanks or getting anything in return. So you may never know the impact of a smile, an opened door, a put away grocery cart in the middle of a parking lot, an unwarranted hug, a phone call out of the blue to ask, “how’s your day?”

My specialty…. I’m a hospital waiting room sitter. It’s not like I meant it to be that way but the amount of people I have had with illnesses, injuries, surgeries, and tragedies….. Honestly, I don’t even care to think about. All I know is when I get the call I know to practice the spiritual principle we like to call in my area of Texas “get in the truck”. I’ve sat in waiting rooms in more hospitals that I care to count and as of today multiple states. This Christmas Day 2017, I had the privilege of spending time with family, not blood but we all know that some family is chosen. 15 hours round trip, 1000 miles, 3 tanks of gas, 2 states, 3 people with a special bond for one precious 6 year old warrior. Man, I’m so grateful I was taught these things. That it’s not about me. That it matters how you live and what you do and not what you say you are gonna do. That suiting up and showing up for people in their time of need binds you in a way that tragedy cannot possibly divide. That sleep will happen eventually and the heart of Christmas is truly LOVE. Today… I loved.

Ben you are my hero❤️