What a wild ride. 365 days x 2. By anyone’s math, that is a total of 730 days of continuous sobriety… By the Grace of God. I am not confused about that last part at all. Grace, by definition, is the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God. I didn’t earn it, I don’t deserve it, but it has been given to me. I had to do some work but the work didn’t fix or repair me.
After finally coming clean about my relapse due to a near death experience, I absolutely could not “see the light”. I was certain that the gift of sobriety would not be granted to me again after squandering what I had been given before. I can remember having little God Winks… just to let me know He was there and I was in the right path. A path that I had no idea would lead me to here.
In a nutshell… I spent 45 days in treatment, 5 1/2 months in a halfway house, came home to divorce papers and my own apartment, rebuilding my relationship with my son and fighting to get custody, getting to know me without “Him”, coming to terms of how sick I had become in my marriage, exploring what it was that made me tick and light my fire, divorce finally over after 14 months, all the way to a new relationship with a amazing man and making an offer on a house the day before my 2 year mark. That’s a big ass run-on sentence… I am aware.
When I moved in to my apartment, I knew God had a plan for me but most days I didn’t know what the fuck that was. I’ve said before, I had no idea about the future or where the hell I was going but I knew that I could do each moment as it came. Some of those moments were really difficult and some were absolutely breath taking. Some I was sure of, that I was on the right path and some consumed with fear, uncertainty, and thoughts of “will I ever get there”. Wherever the fuck “there” was.
Some relationships broken, some relationships rekindled, some relationships repaired and then there were the new ones that came along. Getting over my inability to trust other people, moving in and out of authenticity, and seeking for the answers or the truth, rather. Knowing that each moment I had a choice to either participate in the life I now had or dwell on my fuck-ups and fear my future.
Despite, what I once saw as my fall from grace, I now embrace the knowledge and life experience it has taught me. It took a whole helluva lot of soul-searching, truth seeking, and for lack of a better term… gumption. Wait a minute… gumption is an awesome word!!! Common sense, resourcefulness, initiative and courage. That about sums up part of how I made it to here.
Grateful for all the loss, sad days, bad days, and pain. Why you ask? Because it makes the gains better, the happy days more joyful, the good days a true success and the peace I feel mean that much more.
There is always some amount of uncertainty in life, some way for fear the ooze in through the cracks and the negativity to surface. But I get to chose today to be content with uncertainty, be courageous in the face of fear and focus on what’s good… which is a whole bunch in my little world.
My friend made me a sign for my fortieth birthday that sits on my dresser with a quote that is more true than I realized the first time I read it. “Gods plan is bigger than your past” He doesn’t even have to let me in on the plan, no matter how much I would have liked him to… most of the time. The path or paths we take in life are ours for the taking. To not settle for mediocre or comfortable because there is always more to be had. Not really in the physical sense but as my friend Ken says, it’s the non-Walmart words. Peace, forgiveness, grace, love, contentment, courage, gratitude, patience(love/hate this one), compassion, mercy, etc. What I have come to learn as fact is that God is always moving mountains that I can’t see. Doing things for me in the background that I would never be smart enough to ask for because they work to His Plan and not my sometimes misguided asks.
I’m extremely grateful to be clean and sober today and I know today it’s a gift that I don’t want to squander this time by letting my ego think that I’ve really done something spectacular this time. The truth is I “get” to be sober and because of that, I am present, available, and I get to participate in Gods Grace through the actions I take to however falteringly follow His Will for me.
730 days into this sobriety date, I couldn’t be more grateful for the process even though I never pictured on day 1 that this is where I was gonna be. Yet, I know, I’m right on time.