I’m So Glad I Turned My Car Around

Pick a goal he said… Just pick a race. So I did. I picked a 5k to run on a day that wouldn’t be too hot and not too cold and far enough out I’d probably be able to run that far by then but you know what? Life happens.

So here we are 6 months out from beginning my fitness journey. Never in a million years did I think I’d be here. I’ve gained a total of 22 pounds but yet I haven’t bought a different size in clothes. Some of my jeans fit differently. The waist still fits but my ass I’m in a different place and my legs are more filled out. My arms look like they could beat up your dad and I have shoulders and back definition and quite honestly I didn’t even know that was a thing.

Before I ever got to the 5k I signed up for that was supposed to be April 21st, I finished a Spartan Sprint. That’s how life sometimes just happens. I finished it injured and not pretty might I add but I did finish it. That was a month ago today. Super proud of that accomplishment. I was crazy enough to sign up for a Spartan Super that is May 19th.

Injuries have been my enemy as of late. The worst thing about them is what they can do to your spirit and the termites they leave in your mind. I have fought the you’re too old for this shit, what the hell are you thinking doing this, why won’t you listen to your body, you are just gonna hurt something else when this something heals, rest won’t help, this just fucking sucks, all your doing is losing ground… bullshit noise in my head for the last 6 weeks. I’m not sure it’s gonna stop either but I keeping moving. I keep working. Some days are better than others to be honest.

It started with mild right knee pain after two consecutive days of running. Next was left hip pain, then Left peroneal tendinitis right before the Spartan Sprint. But I raced and finished anyway… in a lot of pain. Nursed that to as much health as I can while this hip pain reared it’s ugly head. Gluteus medius tendinitis… guess it’s kinda good I’m an Occupational Therapist and a pretty good diagnostician. I can at least figure what I can do to help myself heal but I want these things to heal faster than they do.

Pain and injuries dampen the spirit for sure. I started back to running a little over a week ago with a mile. Was supposed to take it easy. My pace was 9:19. My trainer was less than thrilled I didn’t take it slower. Lol. I slowed it the next day without my ankle brace the next day 9:56 pace. He set the pace that day 🙄🙄🙄. Tried on my own a few days later and just knew I was running really slow and sucking ass. Lots of mind trash going on about the injury and how I was never gonna get better so I stopped at a half mile and checked my pace and it was 8:38. Just proves that your mind is extremely powerful and terribly unreliable. 🙄🙄🙄

Time to try out the trails this past Sunday. I walked 1.5 miles then jogged 1.5 miles. Then ran the 2.73 trail and pace was 10:38. In all on Sunday I went about 6 miles, 4 of which I was running. Made me feel encouraged finally, despite the fact I had quite a bit of hip pain afterwards. My left foot was good though.

But here’s the meat of this…

Was driving on FM1476 just outside of Proctor this morning and I passed an older woman running with a left leg prosthesis. I turned my car around to tell her I thought she was amazing. I got to meet Gay Henry, 77 year old woman. Left below knee amputee who’s been running for 43 years. Lost her leg in a accident at her church when the building fell on her about 10 years ago. Broke her neck, back, crushed her spleen. Doctor told her if she wasn’t in such good shape from running she would have died. He told her to keep running. So she does. ❤️❤️❤️

She told me not to stop running. That it was always worth it and that it saved her life. I’m so glad I turned my car around.

So, In 6 months I’ve learned that I am strong but not done. Injuries only stop you if you let them. My mind still tells me lies and I still buy them. Goals are important to have because they push you to the next level and have something for you to keep your eyes on. Never stop running because running may just save your life someday. I’ve got more drive, determination, fight in me than I ever thought I had.

TC ✌🏻

Connection

Why is it that you meet some people and you are drawn to them, their energy, their soul? But some people you meet and you can easily walk away from. What is it that draws you to someone’s presence over another? You can try to walk away, try to move forward in a different direction without them but when they come back around you easily let them back in. How is it that they can have this type of power or pull at your soul that you can’t just “move around”?

You can’t choose these connections… they are either there or they are not. It’s like flipping on a light, either the bulb burns bright or it is burnt out. There is no in between. No amount of electricity can force a burnt out bulb to light the room.

I have, no doubt, been on a path of self discovery. A journey I chose to take, for myself. To get down to the meat of who and what I am. I started extremely closed off from the rest of the world… mainly humans. I had to, for my focus had to be on me without distraction if I was to fan the flame within me. At one point I knew it was time to expand my horizons and let others in. Hell, I even wore rose quartz to open my heart chakra to aid me in unblocking others from me and vice versa. I stopped wearing it deliberately at one point because I was too afraid to stay open to the possibility of a something or someone. But truly at that point the damage had been done. I don’t mean real damage, I just knew someone was under my skin.

No matter what I did, what decisions I made to shut it down, to close the door on this person, to walk the fuck away… I couldn’t seem to accomplish these things. Funny thing is, I’ve always been able to do this successfully. I couldn’t tell at the time if it was because I was more open, forgiving, and accepting of who people are and that I can’t change them… or if I had just lost my touch at excommunicating people from my life at will.

But there was something about them that drove me to be better than I was or even better than I am. Like a calling of sorts and I couldn’t put my finger on the… why them. I was trying my best to ignore any and all feelings, to keep my walls in tact. But the more time passed, the more I knew I couldn’t control the deep buried feelings that I was trying so desperately to discount, refute and deny. I’ve tried it all… blocking them, using the attention of others to distract me, busy, even trying not to respond to communications from them and I just simply couldn’t follow through. But why??? I eventually came to accept that I wanted them in my life at whatever capacity they were willing or able to be there.

I believe everyone we meet has a purpose. That it is not by accident but the universe’s intention to bring something to our consciousness. But that part is up to me to figure out and even more so… I have to be awake in spirit in order to do so. Awake to the idea or possibility that each connection has a purpose. Sometimes, I think we fight the connection because we are unprepared or maybe it’s just fear. But you cannot, after a time, deny the energy that exists between you. Once you’ve shared too much air space, you either lean in and figure it out or try all the things that I have tried and failed to be able to accomplish.

Sometimes the universe just has other plans for you that you don’t see coming, that are better than you ideas of the present or the future and that are completely unbelievable to even you.

So why are some people instantly connected to us while others are not. I think our souls are sometimes having a conversation that we aren’t aware of. Maybe it’s the passage of energy or that they’ve spoke before at another time and place. Can’t really answer any of this definitively but I know it’s up to me to unravel the mystery if I choose.

Today, I’m choosing to do so.

TC✌🏻

I’m My Person

I’ve watched Grey’s Anatomy since it started, well til I gave up TV, so this idea of having a person is a concept I’ve been aware of. I’m also painfully aware that at this point in my life, I think it’s some dream concept or something truly trumped up by some writers on a TV show. Not in a jaded this is just bullshit type of way more from a real life experience type of way.

I’ve had close personal relationships with people throughout my life, those you would think would equate to this type of concept. So let’s look at the record…

Husband #1- good dude really. We were incredibly young and I was a budding alcoholic which caused some issues for sure. But he was never someone I could truly count on. If it wasn’t his idea, in his wheelhouse of taste, or came to supporting me… he was out. Was married to him from age 22-25. I went to 8 weddings for friends of mine that I can remember by myself. I used to LOVE answering the questions of where he was because truth was sometimes he was just sitting at home cuz he didn’t want to go. Although I went to OZ fest 6 times, saw Pantera 7 times, among other bands like SlipKnot, Type O-Negative, watched all types of car races, cars shows… stuff I don’t give two shits for. But I did it for him.

Friends- we are just gonna group these cuz I don’t wanna speak ill… really. I can just sum this category up like this: I’ve done funerals, hospital waiting rooms, court appearances, meals, late night phone calls, or just been present… I know how to show up for someone and if I have placed my bet on you, I’m gonna be there no matter what. Some of these people I have done this for, when my chips were down, let’s just say…. I learned to rely on myself. I’ve long since learned just not to ask.

That’s not to say that I don’t have friends I can count on, cuz I do but there has definitely been some ball dropping in my past.

Husband #2- he was great at the thick and thin business for a while. It’s what I fell in love with him for. Although what started out as supportive on all sides became supportive for appearances. He would go, smile, play the supportive spouse until we were behind closed doors. Then came the incessant bitching, complaining, insults of my family and friends. It made even simple holidays horrible. Trying to enjoy my family with him constantly complaining in my ear that started days before we even went and continued after we returned home was simply no fun at all.

My fears and insecurities were always ammunition in our disagreements. I learned not to talk and or tell him anything real about me for fear he’d flip it, twist it and slice me up with it, as he did many things. Of course I see all this now, but at the time I just thought if I could keep the peace it would keep him from turning on me. Until he didn’t need to be a disagreement anymore, all he needed was to have a bad day for me to be told how worthless, insignificant, or that I simply didn’t appreciate the wonderfulness that was him enough.

None of these are what I would call my person. Neither husband nor the numerous friends I invested in over the years. So yeah, I’m not really a believer in the concept.

But why am I writing about this? I’m on my way to my Uncle’s funeral. I’m used to funerals alone too… buried my Papa by myself without husband #2. He wouldn’t take off work to be with me. But for some reason on this drive, the idea popped in my head that it would be nice to not do these things alone. Of course my family will be there, and we are certainly there for each other… but who doesn’t want someone to be consistent, available, reliable, and present for just them?

Maybe I’ve invested too much in the wrong people, but I don’t know how to live any differently. Maybe I should have done less so that when I’ve needed someone, there is no expectation that the physical, emotional and spiritual support would be returned. Maybe I should let people know what I need from them and making sure it’s the right people is key.

I know my true reliance and dependence is and should be on God. Truly it has been, because on some of those dark days I don’t know how I made it through except for Grace. But sometimes a hand to hold, a hug or just someone next to you to tell you, “I am here for you” I think is a desire everyone has.

I’m certainly not going to change what I do for people just because the ball has been dropped on my dark, difficult or sad days. True connection with other people in your world is what makes life and experiences so special. It deepens and broadens our capacity for love, community, and emotional development… which in truth we all need. To not become jaded along the happenings of life because of past hurts can be tricky. To be able to remain open to the possibility that there is in fact a someone for you in your time of need can seem like a pipe dream based on past circumstances. You know I said I wasn’t jaded when I started writing this and maybe I am just a bit or maybe it’s apprehensive or just afraid.

My story ain’t over that is for sure. I certainly don’t know know what the future holds. I am not going to pretend like I haven’t just made poor choices in the people I have invested a piece of my soul in. But I’m also not going to live my life cutoff from the idea that their might possibly maybe someday be a someone. I guess that’s just a tiny bit of hope. That little bit of hope keeps me motivated to not stay forever walled off from everyone in my life. Pushes me towards just a little bit of vulnerability everyday even though even that seems terrifying at times.

Wrote this a week ago… don’t know why I just couldn’t hit publish at the time… maybe grieving, maybe because I’m not right at all, maybe because I’ve overlooked the someone that could be my person. Someone did show up for me that day, but I don’t always like to see the reality at the time. Or maybe I’m just blinded by my own disbelief, fears and insecurities that I discount simple acts of kindness instead of accept them at face value.