I’ve watched Grey’s Anatomy since it started, well til I gave up TV, so this idea of having a person is a concept I’ve been aware of. I’m also painfully aware that at this point in my life, I think it’s some dream concept or something truly trumped up by some writers on a TV show. Not in a jaded this is just bullshit type of way more from a real life experience type of way.
I’ve had close personal relationships with people throughout my life, those you would think would equate to this type of concept. So let’s look at the record…
Husband #1- good dude really. We were incredibly young and I was a budding alcoholic which caused some issues for sure. But he was never someone I could truly count on. If it wasn’t his idea, in his wheelhouse of taste, or came to supporting me… he was out. Was married to him from age 22-25. I went to 8 weddings for friends of mine that I can remember by myself. I used to LOVE answering the questions of where he was because truth was sometimes he was just sitting at home cuz he didn’t want to go. Although I went to OZ fest 6 times, saw Pantera 7 times, among other bands like SlipKnot, Type O-Negative, watched all types of car races, cars shows… stuff I don’t give two shits for. But I did it for him.
Friends- we are just gonna group these cuz I don’t wanna speak ill… really. I can just sum this category up like this: I’ve done funerals, hospital waiting rooms, court appearances, meals, late night phone calls, or just been present… I know how to show up for someone and if I have placed my bet on you, I’m gonna be there no matter what. Some of these people I have done this for, when my chips were down, let’s just say…. I learned to rely on myself. I’ve long since learned just not to ask.
That’s not to say that I don’t have friends I can count on, cuz I do but there has definitely been some ball dropping in my past.
Husband #2- he was great at the thick and thin business for a while. It’s what I fell in love with him for. Although what started out as supportive on all sides became supportive for appearances. He would go, smile, play the supportive spouse until we were behind closed doors. Then came the incessant bitching, complaining, insults of my family and friends. It made even simple holidays horrible. Trying to enjoy my family with him constantly complaining in my ear that started days before we even went and continued after we returned home was simply no fun at all.
My fears and insecurities were always ammunition in our disagreements. I learned not to talk and or tell him anything real about me for fear he’d flip it, twist it and slice me up with it, as he did many things. Of course I see all this now, but at the time I just thought if I could keep the peace it would keep him from turning on me. Until he didn’t need to be a disagreement anymore, all he needed was to have a bad day for me to be told how worthless, insignificant, or that I simply didn’t appreciate the wonderfulness that was him enough.
None of these are what I would call my person. Neither husband nor the numerous friends I invested in over the years. So yeah, I’m not really a believer in the concept.
But why am I writing about this? I’m on my way to my Uncle’s funeral. I’m used to funerals alone too… buried my Papa by myself without husband #2. He wouldn’t take off work to be with me. But for some reason on this drive, the idea popped in my head that it would be nice to not do these things alone. Of course my family will be there, and we are certainly there for each other… but who doesn’t want someone to be consistent, available, reliable, and present for just them?
Maybe I’ve invested too much in the wrong people, but I don’t know how to live any differently. Maybe I should have done less so that when I’ve needed someone, there is no expectation that the physical, emotional and spiritual support would be returned. Maybe I should let people know what I need from them and making sure it’s the right people is key.
I know my true reliance and dependence is and should be on God. Truly it has been, because on some of those dark days I don’t know how I made it through except for Grace. But sometimes a hand to hold, a hug or just someone next to you to tell you, “I am here for you” I think is a desire everyone has.
I’m certainly not going to change what I do for people just because the ball has been dropped on my dark, difficult or sad days. True connection with other people in your world is what makes life and experiences so special. It deepens and broadens our capacity for love, community, and emotional development… which in truth we all need. To not become jaded along the happenings of life because of past hurts can be tricky. To be able to remain open to the possibility that there is in fact a someone for you in your time of need can seem like a pipe dream based on past circumstances. You know I said I wasn’t jaded when I started writing this and maybe I am just a bit or maybe it’s apprehensive or just afraid.
My story ain’t over that is for sure. I certainly don’t know know what the future holds. I am not going to pretend like I haven’t just made poor choices in the people I have invested a piece of my soul in. But I’m also not going to live my life cutoff from the idea that their might possibly maybe someday be a someone. I guess that’s just a tiny bit of hope. That little bit of hope keeps me motivated to not stay forever walled off from everyone in my life. Pushes me towards just a little bit of vulnerability everyday even though even that seems terrifying at times.
Wrote this a week ago… don’t know why I just couldn’t hit publish at the time… maybe grieving, maybe because I’m not right at all, maybe because I’ve overlooked the someone that could be my person. Someone did show up for me that day, but I don’t always like to see the reality at the time. Or maybe I’m just blinded by my own disbelief, fears and insecurities that I discount simple acts of kindness instead of accept them at face value.