Almost a Trifecta

She remembered who she was and the game changed.

~ Lalah Delia

You know that moment you make a decision to do something and you know in the depths of your soul that it’s gonna be good… I mean really good. Not a cake-walk type good but worth it no matter the cost type good. It’s gonna take pieces of yourself, it’s gonna change you but you can see the outcome on the other side and know in your knower that it’s meant to be. That’s where I was a year ago, sitting on an overlook ready to change my life.

Malnourished, underweight, frail…. 108lbs standing 5ft 8in. No energy, heart palpitations from electrolyte imbalance and not much life. I could go into the reasons why I got there but I’d rather tell you how I got here! How I found me again!

I made one of those decisions that day that saved my life or maybe it gave me life. See, I had been in the recovery process for about a year and half at that time of my mind and my spirit but it was time to address my severly neglected body. On this day, one year ago… I chose me. I chose my health. I chose to start a journey that has brought me right here… one year later. I chose to eat… REGULARLY because when I did eat it was healthy. I don’t have much choice with that because of dietary migraine triggers but at that time I was not giving my body adequate fuel to survive. I chose to lift weights because I needed to add muscle to my wasted shell of a body. I chose all kinds of fitness activities, at first with a vengeance. Pretty much every day of the week, I did something. I lifted, walked, hiked, tried fitness classes, started jogging but focused primarily on putting weight on, fueling my body with proper nutrition and hydration.

Results came quickly. I could see it in the mirror, I saw it on the scale, I saw it in my smile, in my step, in the way I carried myself. I felt grounded for the first time in forever. Like I said, my spirit and mind had already been in the healing process but as I started to heal my body, it’s like it magnified the other two. I was starting to really recognize who I was again. A fighter inside I had forgotten about. Sure! She’d show up if necessary in a fight or flight sense but this was a fight for my very sense of self.

Laughing at myself at the gym on the last set of 12 when I could barely lift the weight but I damn sure wasn’t gonna quit. Setting distance goals for running or for time and completing them with a sense of accomplishment and purpose. It was a little over a month before I took a semi-body shot because for so long I was embarrassed of the shell I was walking. At the 4 month mark I regretfully, at the time, accepted the challenge to register for a Spartan Sprint. A month later, I became a Spartan. Now, it wasn’t pretty!!! I was injured at the time but ran with team support and I FINISHED. I fought that fight injured and it ignited a flame inside I thought was forever gone.

Then came the Spartan Super which I completed by myself. I conquered obstacles I thought impossible for me and I finished proud! At that point, I knew I was becoming the person I’d always imagined I would be and I knew I was right on time.

Sure, I’m 41 and I used to say “I was an athlete” Now I say “I am an athlete”. That part of your spirit never truly dies inside. I have struggled with injuries here and there I guess due to age hazards of the exercise activities that I have chosen. I still have a hard time letting my body rest to recuperate and heal. I just have this drive to keep going and see what I can do next.

I damn near hated 2017 and I have made 2018 my bitch!!! I finalized my divorce, became the mother I always dreamed I would be, regained my health and my piece of mind, bought my own home, bought a new car, closed the long over-due chapter on some legal crap from my past so I can properly make restitution, fell in love, ran a 5k, ran a mud run and this coming weekend I will complete my first Spartan Trifecta.

I still stand 5ft 8in but 136lbs most of that gain has been muscle. I know my way around a gym, a kitchen, an obstacle course and I have found true balance. I’ll be forever grateful for my decision for life, for health, for myself. It has returned to me 10 fold in dividends what I’ve put in. Can’t beat that feeling accomplishment when you cross the finish line in a race. My biggest competition has always been, is and will always be me. Difference is now… I am on my own team, cheering for myself through setbacks and victories.

I’m So Glad I Turned My Car Around

Pick a goal he said… Just pick a race. So I did. I picked a 5k to run on a day that wouldn’t be too hot and not too cold and far enough out I’d probably be able to run that far by then but you know what? Life happens.

So here we are 6 months out from beginning my fitness journey. Never in a million years did I think I’d be here. I’ve gained a total of 22 pounds but yet I haven’t bought a different size in clothes. Some of my jeans fit differently. The waist still fits but my ass I’m in a different place and my legs are more filled out. My arms look like they could beat up your dad and I have shoulders and back definition and quite honestly I didn’t even know that was a thing.

Before I ever got to the 5k I signed up for that was supposed to be April 21st, I finished a Spartan Sprint. That’s how life sometimes just happens. I finished it injured and not pretty might I add but I did finish it. That was a month ago today. Super proud of that accomplishment. I was crazy enough to sign up for a Spartan Super that is May 19th.

Injuries have been my enemy as of late. The worst thing about them is what they can do to your spirit and the termites they leave in your mind. I have fought the you’re too old for this shit, what the hell are you thinking doing this, why won’t you listen to your body, you are just gonna hurt something else when this something heals, rest won’t help, this just fucking sucks, all your doing is losing ground… bullshit noise in my head for the last 6 weeks. I’m not sure it’s gonna stop either but I keeping moving. I keep working. Some days are better than others to be honest.

It started with mild right knee pain after two consecutive days of running. Next was left hip pain, then Left peroneal tendinitis right before the Spartan Sprint. But I raced and finished anyway… in a lot of pain. Nursed that to as much health as I can while this hip pain reared it’s ugly head. Gluteus medius tendinitis… guess it’s kinda good I’m an Occupational Therapist and a pretty good diagnostician. I can at least figure what I can do to help myself heal but I want these things to heal faster than they do.

Pain and injuries dampen the spirit for sure. I started back to running a little over a week ago with a mile. Was supposed to take it easy. My pace was 9:19. My trainer was less than thrilled I didn’t take it slower. Lol. I slowed it the next day without my ankle brace the next day 9:56 pace. He set the pace that day 🙄🙄🙄. Tried on my own a few days later and just knew I was running really slow and sucking ass. Lots of mind trash going on about the injury and how I was never gonna get better so I stopped at a half mile and checked my pace and it was 8:38. Just proves that your mind is extremely powerful and terribly unreliable. 🙄🙄🙄

Time to try out the trails this past Sunday. I walked 1.5 miles then jogged 1.5 miles. Then ran the 2.73 trail and pace was 10:38. In all on Sunday I went about 6 miles, 4 of which I was running. Made me feel encouraged finally, despite the fact I had quite a bit of hip pain afterwards. My left foot was good though.

But here’s the meat of this…

Was driving on FM1476 just outside of Proctor this morning and I passed an older woman running with a left leg prosthesis. I turned my car around to tell her I thought she was amazing. I got to meet Gay Henry, 77 year old woman. Left below knee amputee who’s been running for 43 years. Lost her leg in a accident at her church when the building fell on her about 10 years ago. Broke her neck, back, crushed her spleen. Doctor told her if she wasn’t in such good shape from running she would have died. He told her to keep running. So she does. ❤️❤️❤️

She told me not to stop running. That it was always worth it and that it saved her life. I’m so glad I turned my car around.

So, In 6 months I’ve learned that I am strong but not done. Injuries only stop you if you let them. My mind still tells me lies and I still buy them. Goals are important to have because they push you to the next level and have something for you to keep your eyes on. Never stop running because running may just save your life someday. I’ve got more drive, determination, fight in me than I ever thought I had.

TC ✌🏻

5 Months; I’m Not Done Yet

I am officially a Spartan! I cannot believe it! How did that even happen? That’s not totally not what I was going for… I was just trying not to starve myself to death and try to put on some weight. Get my body back in some sort of balance. Not do some crazy-ass running obstacle course that would test me mentally, physically, emotionally to see what I was really made of.

I hurt my foot 2 Sunday’s ago. Peroneal Tendonitis… all you need to know about that is that I could no longer run to train for this Spartan Sprint. It had become some better with rest after about a week so my dumb ass went for a 3 mile hike. I came home that night and couldn’t put weight on my left foot without a good bit of pain. Back to no running and I was 6 days out from this race. To say I was upset is an understatement.

Now, prior to making this very hasty and probably not thought out decision to signup for this race a month ago… my mind set was that I was gonna surely die. There was no way I was going to be able to make it through this race at all!!! I counted myself out from the beginning. Then the initial injury happened and all I could think of was workout everything I possibly could to still prepare and not let this get me down and try to heal. But true to myself, I pushed it with a worse re-injury by the hike too long and too soon.

What happened in the process was my mindset shifted from “there’s no way I can do this” to “I’m gonna do this no matter what”. Why is it when I’m healthy I can’t believe in myself but you let my body tell me I can’t do something and I switch to an “I’ll show you” attitude.

I focused on everything I could do to heal my foot this week so that I could race today. Honestly I felt pretty good about it. Was highly anxious last night and this morning but focused. I knew it was going to be tough and that I was going to be in pain but I was ready to face it. Determined to finish the race… no matter what!

Well I did… finish. Not without the support and help from my teammates. Did my best not to lean on them but truly had to at times. The uneven ground was tough on my foot, the extra weight I had to carry at times was very painful, the slippery ground quite precarious, making sure I did my best not to land on it when climbing over walls was key at times.

I came over a 7 foot wall and landed hard on my left foot and it almost took my breath. Not 10 yards later I stepped in a hole and it brought me to my knees with intense pain. I told my team I needed a minute. Breathe it out. What choice did I have? Quitting wasn’t an option! I stood up… the only time I almost cried, leaned on my teammate for support for a little while til the pain got some better and carried on.

4+ miles, 22 obstacles… I did 7 sets of burpees from fails of obstacles. My teammates helped me out with those because the landing on my foot with those was as equally as painful and they helped because they are just that awesome 😎. But I did it, I finished. And I didn’t die🙌🏻

Sometimes you just have to prove to yourself you can. Sometimes you have to prove yourself you still have what it takes. Sometimes you have to see that you are still a fighter. Sometimes you need a reminder that you don’t have a quit button even when it would make all the sense in the world for you to do just that. Sometimes it’s about finishing the task in pain, injured, dirty, exhausted, surrounded and supported by friends.

I’m so glad I decided to get healthy, change my life and make this hasty decision to do the Spartan Sprint. The cool part is that I’m not done yet.

#spartan #spartanhouston #spartansprint #iamspartan

TC ✌🏻

It Doesn’t Have to Be Pretty

“They” say doctors and nurses make the worst patients… I’m going to add therapists to that scenario. This is not news to me. It’s not new behavior, furthermore, it didn’t start when I became a therapist. Maybe that secured my destiny. My mother has always told my I burn the candle at both ends and that I’ve always felt this internal longing that if I don’t go to absolutely everything, I will miss something. She IS NOT WRONG!!!

Like I stated this is not new. This is my current condition…

Spartan Sprint in T minus 6 days and I can’t walk without a limp and at the moment running is out of the question. But how did I get here? Lack of ability or maybe willingness to take a break, heal, do what I tell my own patients to do, sheer determination to push through… no matter what!!! Like I said, this is NOT new behavior.

I was a sophomore in high school and I lived and breathed basketball. I landed on another players foot coming down for a rebound in practice and knew I hurt my ankle. I did what I knew to do with an injury at the time which was walk it out. I finished practice and told no one. My mom was highly concerned when she got home from work because by that time my ankle was about twice it’s normal size. I couldn’t bear weight on it and was just hopping around the house like it was no big deal. Next morning she loaded me in the car and took me to Doc, the high school trainer. He had a intense speech impediment and I brought Mom along for translation and because I knew he was gonna be pissed at me for not coming to see him after practice the day before. Grade 3 sprain, it was a Thursday morning. Game day was Friday against Midlothian. I did not care about the pain, the swelling, the grade of the sprain… quite frankly it didn’t mean anything to me. But missing that game did… missing any game did.

I suited up Friday, ankle wrapped with doughnut plus hard brace and was told I couldn’t play. Really?!?! So why let me suit up and why the Grade A wrap job? I was not allowed to warm-up. We were down at halftime and I begged coach to let me play. We didn’t necessarily agree but she said if I could get Doc to agree she would go along with it. I can be quite persuasive and flat out lie my ass off to get what I want and damnit, I wanted to play. Doc reluctantly agreed and on the court I went.

In more recent years, I walked on a fractured pelvis that took 6 months to heal. In my defense I didn’t know it was fractured at the time but I knew it hurt like a MF’er. I’d go out dancing on the weekends cuz I figured if it hurt to walk then why not dance. Most of those nights I was not able to walk out of the club because I could no longer bear weight on my right leg.

I get injuries. I get pain. What I fail to get is the proper recovery process when it comes to taking care of me. I can explain at length what you are supposed to do, be there to support you, be the bull dog when you aren’t taking care of yourself… but when it comes to me it’s like I lose all sense of responsibility to behave in manner that is kind to my own body.😂

As of right now, I’m gonna do the race on Saturday, no matter what it takes. I don’t know any other way to be. It’s not like God is gonna Re-wire my system in 6 days to make me act right. Sometimes you just have to prove to yourself that all your effort, work, sacrifices, dedication was not for nothing. The only person I’m gonna beat on Saturday is myself, I’ve known that for a while. I don’t think it has to be pretty to be finished.

TC ✌🏻

It’s a Lifestyle

4 months… WOW!!! I’m still amazed sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror at what I see. Having muscle definition where I not too long ago had none. The habits of wearing big baggy shirts to mask the bony structure of my body are a thing of the past. Research states that it takes an average 66 days for something to become a sustained habit or lifestyle. I didn’t even realize I had passed that milestone.

I had checkup with my Dr on Friday. Four months ago, I made an appointment due to some health concerns I had. My heart was going out of rhythm periodically, which honestly at 40 is a little young. I’m not dumb, I had a sneaky suspicion it was related to my emaciated stature, poor nutritional habits, vitamin deficiencies, and on the real… I wanted to know if as my Dr she thought I was anorexic. Now, I was pretty sure mentally I wasn’t, but I damn sure had symptoms: weight loss, dressing in big clothes or layers to hide weight or stay warm, low blood pressure, low body temperature, loss of appetite, unable to maintain body weight based on height, age, body build, feeling cold, sleep problems, dry skin and hair, bruise easily, and what brought me to the Dr… my heart rate had slowed over time from its normal rate coupled with the occasional arrhythmia. I was legitimately concerned!!!

We had a real conversation… as you should with your Dr and she believed as I did, that I didn’t have an unhealthy motive to be the size I was therefore non-anorexic despite some of my symptoms. My weight at that visit was 108lbs and I am 5’8″ making my BMI 16.4… underweight.

My diet is unfixable due to my many migraine triggers from food but I wasn’t then and still not willing to go back to 20-25 migraine days a months so I can eat whatever I want and gain some weight. The amount of food I eat and frequency has definitely gotten better over the last 4 months as the working out has sparked an appetite and even occasional hunger pangs.

The real success as far as my medical State is concerned, is I weighed 120lbs on Friday. An increase of 12 pounds in 4 months, making my BMI 18.2. 19 is considered a healthy BMI for my height…. I’m so close!!! My clothes still fit, but better! Gone are the baggy-ass shirts! My heart hasn’t gone out of rhythm in 2 months and the results of the heart monitor was that I did have periods of arrhythmia the first 2 weeks but the last 2 weeks they stopped. The Dr was certain that I was on the right course for my health. My nails and hair are growing, and skin is much healthier. I still don’t sleep for shit, but I feel things are still moving in a very positive direction.

Truly that’s just the medical side of things… I can’t express the way I feel. Well maybe I can… EMPOWERED!!! Strong, confident, like my body fits me even though at times I’m surprised at my reflection. I see the fire in my eyes that I know months ago had gone out or maybe was just reduced to an ember.

Our lives can be changed, saved, devastated, diverted…. in a matter of seconds. I can name countless times where some incident should have or could have been tragic if it weren’t for inches and seconds of what I know now is Grace. My point is this, my life diverted in the direction of Fitness because of a look I was given when I was trying to explain my sorry excuse for a diet, eating habits and ridiculousness that had become my relationship with food. This poor soul had no idea that one simple look of concern/disgust/”are you fucking serious”… would hit me at the perfect moment where I could finally see my bullshit in all its glory.

I can’t get anywhere in life if I don’t remain open to search for my truth and to try my damnedest to see myself for who and what I truly am. I have many faults and many good qualities too, being able to see those honestly for what they are, accept them and take action on the negative parts of my character makeup is what I believe I am charged with, if I want to be a better me tomorrow.

I’ll be forever grateful for the moment of Grace to see me, for the the looked that sparked my reflection into the actions that I was taking that were obviously detrimental to my health in more ways than I really wanted to admit at the time. But mostly I’m grateful that I haven’t quit!!! I made it far past the 66 days. It’s no longer something I’m working on… to take care of myself. It has become my lifestyle. One that will reap me many benefits in my future. I’m truly grateful for the journey, it’s where the learning happens.

Today I returned to Colorado Bend State Park, where I made my hike on October 22, 2017. This time I found the water fall I was looking for in October. I think I might have found a piece of my soul too.

Becoming; 3 Months In

I wish someone would have told me that 3 months ago although I probably would not have believed you. I would have thought you were crazy if you told me what I’d be able to do, what changes my body would go through, what I’d be able to do physically, who I’d be looking at in the mirror everyday. I simply would not have thought it to be true but I have lived every moment of it.

I wrote about the beginning of this fitness journey in Stronger, and even at that point I don’t know if I thought it would continue. I still remember October 23rd so vividly. Going to Walmart to pick out some Bluetooth headphones, cuz who can workout without music… not to mention I had no intention of talking to people at the gym. Then driving to the gym, parking my car and staring at the doors as if somehow I would teleport inside. I knew I was gripped with fear. Could I do this? Did I have it in me? Can I get out of this car, go in that building, and lift weights… I imagined I would be a lamb in a lion’s den of men.

I got a phone call while sitting in my car and I remember telling them I was about to conquer a fear. I was about to go in that gym and lift weights. For myself and no one else. To get healthy. To gain weight. Truth is now that I can see it, I had needed to do something for a long time and I had been so delusional about just how completely unhealthy I really was. Not just activity wise but diet wise.

When I ate, I ate healthy foods but I rarely ate. I was starving to death under the pretense of this huge resentment I had with the foods I couldn’t eat anymore because of my migraine triggers. So I threw a fit about it daily by barely eating. I was literally surviving on chips and hot sauce most days. I knew then food was fuel but didn’t care. Rather childish.

Head down, RBF in full effect, no eye contact with anyone, I conquered day one. Then week one. I went often almost daily. Walking, lifting what I was comfortable with, elliptical, yoga stretches in the beginning. I started going to an outdoor bootcamp that I really love but have quit a few times for stupid reasons nothing to do with my health😂. I have had some direction from a friend of mine with reps and increase in weights. I have added new machines as I was comfortable when the gym was empty and I could try them out on my own when I was ready. I progressed from walking to jogging… I wouldn’t truly call it running just because the pace is just under a 10 minute mile. I have increased everything and quickly over time. <

My body changed fast and I saw results. I took suggestions and still do mainly cuz I don’t know what the hell I’m doing still but I LOVE IT 😍 I started getting hungry again which was new, different and wonderful!!! I started drinking a protein drink and some amino something. I still don’t have much of an idea as to why but it seems to work. Lol I have more energy, stamina, and strength than I have had in years and I am amazed at the baby steps of progress I make all the time.

Hell, I’m 40… about to be 41 and I’m in better shape than I’ve been in 15 years. I can do things I didn’t think were possible all because I was willing to get out of my car that day and conquer a fear. I still feel like a lamb in a lion’s den most days but I don’t give a damn, I just go do my thing. Headphones in, music up, head up, still don’t talk to anyone cuz I’m there for business. I’m doing work. It has breathed life in me I forgot was there. I have abs for god sake😳 I had no idea when I was sitting on that overlook of the Colorado River that I would actually be here today. Still all-in. I mean I guess I should a little because I’ve always been determined and not a quitter but some of these things I’ve been able to do have amazed even me. To be able to go from basically emaciated to fit in 3 months is crazy spectacular in a physical sense. Mentally I’m stronger as well with every time I push myself to the next level because I know it’s just right there within my grasp. I have no plans of letting up, have signed up for a 5k and looked in to some formal training. I am so excited for where this journey has taken me thus far and where it has the potential to go. All because I had enough courage to get out of the car that day.

Just Breathe

Keep breathing. Just keep doing it. It’s easy. In and out.~Jenny Downham

Until it’s not!!!

Have you ever watched someone fight for every breath they take? The panic, anxiety, fear that grips them is heart breaking. Something that I literally take for granted each moment it happens. The average person at rest takes 18 breaths a minute. That’s 25,920 breaths everyday that I give no thought in making, probably most of us don’t.

Now, that’s not to say I don’t mentally tell or whisper to myself in times of grief, anger, fear, emotional or physical pain “Just Breathe Dee!”

As a healthcare professional… right, wrong or indifferent; I have somewhat become anesthetized to the passing of my patients over the years. That’s almost 18 years worth of 1000’s of patients. I mean…. I just can’t. I love them, I truly do! They touch my life, help me grow as a person and they share their lives with me. It’s truly been a gift. I refuse to look at the obituaries. I’ve worked in this same geographical area for 14 years. When I do look at them, there is always someone I have treated at some point in my career that has passed.

I wrote a few weeks ago about Indomitable Spirit-a spirit that cannot be subdued or overcome, as persons, will, or courage. What I didn’t say was that blog was spurred by my privilege to walk a journey with a very special man. His will to fight is nothing short of amazing, inspiring, and has touched my life. He is here today still because of his “I’m not done yet” attitude. As I have literally watched this man continue to strive for his own independence, live alone, take care of himself, all the while his body fights for every breath he takes. My heart is hurting for him and holding out hope all at once that I get one more opportunity to spend some time with him.

I believe every person you meet is an chance for learning and growth. He has taught me not to quit no matter what. That I can do the impossible. I listen to the words I tell him that help him bring his Oxygen levels up: relax, slow your breathing, deep in and deep out, don’t focus on the numbers, just stay calm, you’re ok…

Last we spoke, he was very short of breath… worst day thus far. Fighting to catch his breath with every movement. He said, “Every breath is just such a struggle!!!” There were tears welling up in his eyes. But he’s such a strong man. He pushed himself back in his wheelchair, sat up erect and said, “But I’m not done yet and I’m still here!”

I almost lost my composure, and I can’t you see… I must be the cheerleader and the realist with him. He trusts me because I’ve always shot straight with him.

But the drive home and the rest of the day I wept, on and off. To breathe is to live. There were days in my past I wished it was OVER. Visions of driving into oncoming semi trucks or loading and unloading my ex-husband’s gun. Too much of a coward to actually do anything or maybe I still had just enough fight in me to stay on the planet. But there was that part of me that did not wanna breathe… anymore! I dreamed of not waking up. But sometimes it takes immense darkness to force you into seeking the light. Thank God I’m still here!

Some people move you to different places in your life and this man has done that for me. Just Beathe! I welcome it’s new meaning. Don’t focus on the problem. Relax, take it all in, you’re not done here, don’t quit, the Power is inside you… you just have to tap into it. There is a whole world of lines of impossibility that you can surpass if you have a little hope, determination, and put one foot in front of the other. There is always a way to stay open to the process of finding it, continue to seek and search for answers and don’t ever let anyone tell you your finished until you are ready.

Thank you Randal!!! You are such a blessing!

Indomitable Spirit

Sure I am that this day we are masters of our fate, that the task which has been set before us is not above our strength; that it pangs and toils are not beyond my endurance. As long as we have faith in our own cause and an unconquerable will to win, victory will not be denied us. ~ Winston Churchill

Do you ever wonder why some people who are sick die and others don’t? What I mean is how some people make it so much longer than others when all the cards are stacked against them to do so. Of course the easy, go to, contemporary “christian” answer is prayer and faith or maybe even God’s Will. But seriously, these things have puzzled me, maybe that is the wrong word… down right amazed, inspired and captivated me over the past 17 years of my career as an Occupational Therapist.

I have had scores of patients through the years with a myriad of diagnosis, some today that I still have to look up because medicine is an ever evolving and changing world. Bottom line is some make it and some don’t. I have worked primarily in the field of adults/geriatrics and in all types of settings throughout my career; inpatient, rehab, outpatient, Nursing home, Home health, acute care, swing bed…. I’ve seen patients at all stages of the diagnosis and prognosis facet of the disease process. What I have seen, has been nothing short of amazing or even miraculous at times.

Here’s the drill, you get the order from the Doc to eval and treat, you read over the chart… and for me personally I’m a chart hunter, I read EVERYTHING. I like to know what it is I’m walking into. As a clinician, the long list of somewhat exhaustive diagnosis and co-morbidities can be extensive depending on the patient or maybe rather short. You can have Bob that has CHF, AFIB, CAD with hx of stent placement, AFIB, IDDM, HX of MI with CABG x 4, COPD and  O2 dependent. Then you may have Sue who has HTN and a recent fall with Hip Fx s/p ORIF repair. If all that means nothing to you, GREAT!!! All you need to know is that Bob’s case looks bad, Sue looks like she is gonna be ok. But what you don’t know from reading any chart or medical history is their heart or their spirit.

I have walked into a Bob room years ago thinking, what am I going to do for this man? Staring back at me is the Indomitable Spirit- a spirit that cannot be subdued or overcome, as persons, will, or courage; unconquerable. Have you met a person like this? Their drive to overcome whatever obstacle they are facing is so powerful, yet humble at the same time. Their outlook is positive, that even on hard days they see through eyes of gratitude and look towards success. It’s not that they don’t struggle or feel pain or have full knowledge of their difficult road ahead but they face it head on almost with a knowing that it is going to be ok, no matter what.

I’ve also walked into a Sue room day after day trying my best to encourage, motivate, and almost insist on striving to succeed but there was no internal drive for sticking power left. They were just done. I have literally watched people over the last 17 years, will themselves to die. In awe that the mind and the spirit of a person can have that much control over the body to do such a thing but I am here to tell you it can, has, and does happen.

My point is this, there is Power beyond measure in the human spirit that I believe not everyone taps into, myself included. Sometimes I forget I have it or maybe I should say sometimes I have forgotten that I had it in me. I believe deep in all of us there is a no quit switch to flip whether it is in dealing with a health issue, life problem, or maybe just finishing all of the laundry in one day. But here’s the deal, it’s there. Getting motivated to find it can sometimes be the kicker. I found mine through desperation for something different for myself and the funny thing is…. I didn’t even have to define the “something different”. I just had to feel the utter desperation. If I close my eyes for two seconds I can tap into it still and re-flip that switch, NEVER GIVE UP! Today, to me, there is a whole world of possible.

Better, New, Free, Open, Try, Why Not, Go, Who’s Gonna Stop You, More, Less, Move Your Body, Give, Love, Forgive, Care, Feel, Seek, Breathe, Just BE

Dedicated to Erin, Linda and Randal… their Indomitable Spirit amazes me everyday.

❤️💛💚

Stronger

Your body will argue that there is no justifiable reason to continue. Your only recourse is to call on your spirit, which fortunately functions independently of logic.~ Tim Noakes

I can remember the last time I consistently worked out in my life, it was 2009 and the last day of it was the day before my total hysterectomy. Little did I know at the time the all hell was about to break loose in my life. About a month after my surgery was when my Chronic Daily Migraine headaches started although at the time I didn’t know thats what they were. I just knew my head hurt, alot, often, and wouldn’t stop. Years of poking and prodding, pills and treatments, tests and Doctor visits and honestly a whole lotta Bullshit!!!. I tried to get back to the gym or walking at least here and there throughout all that time but it didn’t work out very well….ever. Alot of nothingness.

I always wanted to rely on someone else to help me, to drive me, to hold me accountable. Someone to meet me halfway or be my partner. My spouse at that time was not that person. Although when it was suggested as a means of treatment for my migraines at one point to increase my endorphins, yours body’s natural pain killers, I did make efforts. He would ask me about it while making comments about me being gone from the home as well…. not helpful in my endeavor. I have walked some over the past year and a half since we separated and been much more active but damn sure not consistent.

In May of 2016 I had drastically changed my diet and my migraines had diminished due to those efforts. Side effect of that was nothing I can eat puts weight on me and everything I like is gone. There aren’t many deserts I can have…. damn sure not the run of the mill stuff that you see in restaurants, grocery stores or potlucks. Then the divorce and man can that just ROCK YOUR WORLD when it comes to eating…. period!!! I was already struggling on the food front. Basically, my BMI is fucking sad!!! I look gross to me! I am sick to death of “you’re so thin comments” I could fucking scream! All my muscle tone is gone, the migraines for so many years and constant nausea and vomiting, now this shit… But seriously, you get to a point where all of that just becomes an excuse and an unnacceptable reason not to try to do something differerent.

I joined the gym AGAIN in the summer, but same shit different day, I went for about a month. I knew I needed to lift weights to build muscle but I was paralyzed by fear. So strange too, I was an athelete growing up. Spent countless hours in offseason Basketball lifting weights… bench press, military press, power clean, leg press etc. We had to calculate our 1RPM and all that jazz. But, I was so stiffled by this fear I could not go onto that side of the gym and even approach the machines much less the free weights. The struggle is what I saw before me was this frail, skinny, bony, weak woman looking back at me when I knew inside was still the athlete I used to be but truly didn’t know how to find her. Or maybe I wasn’t ready yet.

Spiritual growth is a crazy powerful thing that touches all aspects of your life if you will allow it. Things inside and outside of you that were once acceptable become unacceptable and sometimes all at once. For me, it was the look on someones face when I told them my old song and dance about my struggles with food and blah fucking blah blah blah when I answered the question, “What did you eat yesterday?” Then was handed some meal replacment bullshit to take with me. I was disgusted with myself at that moment. Someone I barely knew cared more about me than I did. I am big believer in you can’t see until you can see and that night I saw me and my excuses. I started cooking again first. I went for a 1.5 mile hike to a place I’d wanted to take pictures of for a while the following Sunday and sat there overlooking the Colorado River contemplating my next move which I knew was this…. NO MORE!!! One more time I was just done! It was GO TIME!

Next day, I went and bought some bluetooth headphones due to my recent IPhone upgrade, cuz you cant possibly workout without good music, then headed to conquer my fear. To the gym, I went. I lifted that day! No eye contact, full on RBF, I’m certain. But I did it. That was 14 days ago. I have worked out everyday except Halloween cuz I stalked my son while he trick or treated. Last Sunday, I decided to see if I could run, I ran 6 minutes. Monday I ran 6 minutes. Wednesday I walked .4 miles then ran 1.2 miles to the gym lifted weights then walked 1.2 miles and ran .4 miles home. Today I walked a mile then ran 1.5 or atleast thats what my watch and my phone says but I have a hard time believing it, then I went to the gym. I can tell you this though, I feel FANTABULOUS!!!

Most days, I dont know what I’m doing and I have no plan, and that works for me. I don’t really have some goal I am trying to reach either except STRONG. One of my favorite quotes along this journey I have had with the migraines has been “You don’t know how strong you are until strong is the only choice you have”. My girlfriend told me the other day when I told her I was running and lifting, that I am strong inside it was time to get strong outside. My problem in the past was my dependence or reliance was on others and today it is no longer misguided. People have consistently been unreliable but the fight inside me has not. True courage is doing things afraid just like I’ve been doing, maybe not even very well and honestly I don’t give a shit cuz it’s working. Just like the quote at the top I believe I’m being not only driven by Spirit, but guided by Spirit.